I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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