She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Semen is not good for contacts.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
