There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
