she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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