i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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