youre lurking in front of me
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
