upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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