you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
