I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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