Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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