...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
