I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
