WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
