you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
