I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
