It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
