I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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