there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
