News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
