Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I love you. Go after that dick
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
