You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
