So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
