if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
