you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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