I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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