Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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