I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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