I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
