how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
