i can't believe i had my finger in that
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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