between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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