At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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