Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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