Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
