dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
