Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
