I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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