If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
