glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
