i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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