pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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