Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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