In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
