I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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