you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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