I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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