i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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