im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
