Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
