Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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