Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
