I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
