and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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