I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize