Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
