i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
