im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
