i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
