I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
