What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
