I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
