I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
