he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
